Last Chance

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They told me that I only had five thousand characters to tell you everything.  How could I possibly say everything that needs to be said in that short of a length?

Our lives have always been defined by hellos and goodbyes.  When we were young, I thought that I knew what life was all about.  I had everything planned.  We were best friends and together we would take on the world.  But then you told me that I was wrong.  You didn’t want to leave and I wanted to go to that university across the country.   You were supposed to come with me, but I had to go alone. 

I drew a line where you were no longer allowed to cross.  But in that instant, I felt the most alone in my entire life.  It was then that I realized that we were meant to be together, but I had given you up.  I would remember that one night:

It was past midnight and it was all too easy to sneak out of my house with my father passed out drunk on the living room couch.  I had tapped on the glass of your window and you had slipped out of your window.  You had quietly followed me out to the old tree house, while I was just going on and on about how we could finally leave that town.

Finally you just looked at me and said, “I can’t.  My mother can’t be by herself.  Someone has to take care of her and I’m the only one she has.”

“But we always wanted—”

You shook your head.  “No, you always wanted.  I always had a reason not to.”

Your bedroom light illuminated your face as you told me these words.  Classical music floated along the breeze from your computer: Con Te Partiro by Francesco Sartori.  I had never thought that that song could be so sad until then. 

We were perfect for each other and I just threw you away.  I didn’t listen as you laid out all of your thoughts and emotions.  I knew what I wanted and it seemed like you were no longer part of the picture.

We kept little contact for the longest time.  And then I received your wedding invitation in the mail.  I didn’t recognize the name of your fiancée.  I barely even glanced at your fiancée’s picture; I was so entranced with seeing you again.  I knew that despite my best interests, I needed to be there for your wedding date.

I flew the thousand miles to an unfamiliar city to find the church packed with people I never met.  It was from a stranger that I had learned that your mother had died and that you had met your fiancée at an outreach meeting for a local company.  With the church bells ringing, I waved to you from across the room and you gave me the warmest smile. 

We had the briefest moment to talk.  All I remembered from that conversation was “I will you will and this doesn’t have to be farewell.”

But it was.  It was farewell to everything that we were and everything that we could be.  Even then I wouldn’t give up.

I attended your university graduation.  Neither one of us had thought that you would have been able to achieve that goal, but I was so proud of you.  You looked radiant, but there was a sad aura gathered around you.  It was then that you told me that your spouse had died in a tragic car accident.  I just couldn’t help but note that you still took my breath away.  You blinded me.

I had been blessed with another chance and yet I still didn’t take it.  I was a fool then; still quite the fool in fact.  But a fool can learn eventually.  I didn’t understand the true depth of my feelings then.

 

I have missed you for so long. 

I followed you last night for that reason.  You were easy to follow with your tracks in the snow.  You finally noticed me in the park.  You broke down and began to cry and I just held you close.  I don’t think I had ever seen you so emotional since high school and you were ranting about the situation with your mother.  I knew it was the first time I really saw you cry.

Even with snowflakes swirling around us, the moon had the courage to break through the clouds.  A light shined down on us and for the moment I felt us leave the world behind.  The tilting notes of a violin trailed on a faint breeze, reminding me of that night ten years before when you told me you wouldn’t go with me.  Everything seemed so easier back then, but life was still just as difficult.  Neither one of us was willing to admit the truth.

I am not the best with words.  I never was the writer like you were.  Even though I’m flying back tonight, I needed to lay it all out for you.  I need to know what you would have me do. 

I know our lives have gone in different directions for such a long time.  This doesn’t mean that we would always have to be separated.  Please just tell me what you want to do.

I’m willing to respect your wishes in whatsoever direction they take you.  I’ve seen how much you changed over time, but I’m not sure if you ever realized how much I had changed.  I know that you’ve had changed for the better and I’m not so sure what direction I headed; I just hope that you can see something in me.

I just have one thing to ask.  Just don’t tell me . . . please don’t tell me that it’s too late for me to love you.

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Songs that played a role in this piece:
Con Te Partiro as sung by Andrea Boceli
Higher Window by Josh Groban
Liz on Top of the World from the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack
The Moment I knew by Taylor Swift